Fatherly Instincts
by 11X.d
Summary: Mayuri's being protective of Nemu, just in his own deluded, diabolical way. "I will dissect you."


"So, are you the insufferable creature that Nemu has been seeing?" Mayuri's head cocked as his comical clown-like eyes stared back. "Well boy, don't you have a mouth to speak for? Does your brain capacity make it difficult for you to comprehend me? Answer Boy!" Mayuri spoke, face up-close white teeth shining in their mouth as an annoyed smirk played on the twelfth division captains' face.

"Uh…"

Mayuri unhappy with the answer scoffed and his brows furrowed further. "To be unable to reply to such a simple inquiry… Tch…Your brain capacity lacks even compared to your other equally idiotic division members don't you?" When Mayuri saw his burrows furrow in either anger or confusion he sighed. "Nemu!"

"Yes Mayuri-Sama." Nemu behind Mayuri answered.

"Is this the imbecile that you have been galloping off with?"

"Yes Mayuri-Sama, it is him."

"Tch…such poor tastes. Even though you're such a failure, I'd never have thought that you'd stoop so below your level. Involving yourself with this parasite of the Eleventh division… I never thought you'd be into such foolish brutes Nemu."

"Hey I--"

"Oh, so you do speak? How unseemly, speaking when you aren't spoken to, not answering when you're asked, every bit like your equally barbaric captain."

"Captain Zaraki ain't barbaric-" Again he was cut off.

"Oh shut up! Your voice is irritating. Not to mention 'ain't' is grammatically incorrect and disgustingly uncouth. Nemu though I knew you were witless but meeting someone with a lower rank and pay not to mention with an absolute lack of passion for knowledge have made me think even less of you. You insolent, foolish girl!" Mayuri continued to drabble on, making it his point to insult, then re-insult with the same material, phrased differently.

"I'm sorry to have disappointed you again, Mayuri-Sama." Nemu spoke, the mad-scientist seemed to have calmed somewhat.

"Why is it that you brought him here? He is unworthy to set foot into my marvelous division!"

"Madarame-San and I thought it would be appropriate to give our formal greetings to our creators since we are officially engaging in a steady relationship." Mayuri scoffed.

"Humph! Fine! Follow!" Mayuri with his captain coat flapping behind him walked in a fast pace towards his quarters without bothering to see if they were keeping up. While Nemu was used to his fast pace of walking which was nearly a sprint, followed with instinct, but Ikkaku was bewildered somewhat. Sure he was used to running and stuff but walking swiftly while trying not to knock over cans of toxic waste, materials, metal, failed experiments, and equipment needed to build new material proved to be a bit of a challenge.

"An absolute klutz…" Mayuri clicked his tongue as Ikkaku stumbled over equipment. They had arrived at the end of a corridor, in front of a gross looking door. Mayuri had clicked a few buttons enabled in the door and soon the door creaked open revealing a highly unfurnished captain quarters. "Don't gape you exasperating maggot! Consider this your honor, to set foot in my living quarters."

The living quarters, were hardly suited for a captain rank. Usually the unseated members of Gotei-13 had such rooms like this, regularly shared by three of four people. Though Mayuri used this by himself, it would be considered to be nagging to say twice that his living quarters were crap. There were thousands and thousands of books, nearly covering all the walls, a computer, beside it a load of files, a bed, a small refrigerator, and a coffee table in the middle with some sitting mats, and a private bathroom. Even Captain Zaraki, with his lack of appreciation on the finer things in life had a better room than this.

"Sit there." Mayuri pointed to the coffee table. Ikkaku taking one sitting mat sat down while Nemu sat down on the opposite side. Mayuri went by his computer and rummaged through the file cabinet he had set beside it. Having found what he was searching for he took a piece of paper and a pencil and made his way over to them. "There! This is your assignment. Don't fret it requires only an idiot to complete it."

On the single sheet of paper that Mayuri had handed Ikkaku had a series of questions, questions involving Nemu and his relationship.

"A…test?" Ikkaku questioned. He knew enough of Nemu to answer the questions but when he only came to try to have a civilized greeting with Nemu's 'father' much to his disgust, Mayuri was making this rather difficult. "Captain Kurotsuchi I don't find this necessary."

"Shut up! Don't question me! You insolent creature just fill the damn sheet out!" Mayuri turned, face distorted in anger, though in Ikkaku's point it looked quite humorous. Captain Zaraki had always voiced his opinion about his thinking that the twelfth division captain looked like an angry mime. And at that precise angle Ikkaku couldn't help but agree.

_State Nemu's full name, birth date, and physical status._

Was this guy kidding? Ikkaku knew the twelfth division captain was notorious for being a little eccentric about most things. But to test his daughters' boyfriend, this was beyond just a slight oddity.

"Well? Can't you even answer _that_?"

Giving a pointedly annoyed look at Mayuri he picked up the pen and scribbled it on the space meant for his answer.

_Kurotsuchi Nemu, birth date March Thirty-First. Height around 5'5, weight not sure._

"Disgusting handwriting…She is exactly 168centermeters tall, equivalent to 5'5104. And her weight! How is it so difficult to figure her weight out? 52kilos, the perfect weight for her stature to move lithely but still strong enough to physically be healthy. It would have been marvelous if she hadn't turned out to be such a pathetic failure!"

_What are Nemu's interests and likes?_

This was fairly simple but also a vast category. He started writing.

_Reading, learnin' about stuff, going on walks, flowers, favorite color is red, enjoys eating sundaes and likes small gatherings more than large ones._

"Ridiculous! Nemu does not care for flowers and walks! Do not confuse her to other brain-dead females. Though she may be an utter disappointment she is far from the normal woman! The color _red_, pssh... I have thought her well enough for her to not indulge in such pointless things as bothering to think of what her favorite color is! Not to mention she enjoys science! And dissecting! I will not comment about your appalling sentence structure Madarame! In the English language there is no such thing as 'learnin'' It is spelt 'learning'! Educate yourself you fool!"

Obviously Mayuri was confused about his likes and Nemu's likes. Nemu particularly hated dissecting and was only moderately interested in science. And her favorite color was red, thus why she always wore a red hair-tie even though Captain Kyoraku would indulge her with many other vibrantly colored scrunches and clips whenever he visited the twelfth division barracks. Ikkaku was utterly confused if Mayuri was complimenting Nemu or just insulting everything. Insulting everything was most likely though.

_How far have you progressed in your relationship with Nemu?._

This was starting to get creepy.

"Captain Kurotsuchi, I don't feel comfortable answering such questions."

"I could care less."

"Well I ain't answering them!" Ikkaku banged his fist on the coffee table. Mayuri turned his head eyes furrowed, mouth in a snarl. Oh _yes_. He so did resemble an angry mime.

"Answer them; I could hardly care less about how far you have maintained physical contact with Nemu. The eleventh division isn't known to be shameful. Quite the opposite." Somehow Ikkaku doubted that Mayuri 'hardly cared'. He seemed quite ready to murder him as the twelfth division captain was starting to finger his left scythe ear in the most homicidal manner. "Oh, and if you write 'just held hands' or something along the lines of an utter lie there will be dire consequences."

Aw crap.

Ikkaku scribbled something on the paper harshly then crossed his arms and looked away with a blush tinting the top of his nose.

"Making out?" Mayuri questioned a brow rising as he looked at the two occupants who now both were blushing rather furiously. "Oh Nemu you slut."

_For what reasons are you meeting Nemu?_

Ikkaku paused. There really wasn't a reason he was meeting Nemu. He just liked her is all? And thought of her a lot…more along the lines of every single fucking moment in his life. Tch, Ikkaku swore if he wasn't Nemu's creator he would have already killed the fucking mime.

So he wrote, _for all the fucking reasons,_ and then refused to elaborate.

_What do you like about Nemu?_

The question would be simpler if he just asked what you don't like about Nemu because Ikkaku really liked Nemu in all ways and he could simply answer 'nothing'. No, he wasn't a hapless romantic far from it. But the list would be far too long to actually state.

So Ikkaku sat with a pen in his head and thought for a really long time. How was he going to phrase this to meet Kurotsuchi's standards but still mean he liked everything about her?

"Don't attempt to think, you're pushing yourself too hard." Mayuri insulted. "Is it really that difficult to for you to muster up one thing you enjoy about her? Nemu you have picked a horrid boyfriend."

"I don't think nothings wrong about her. She's…fine in everyway."

"So you mean to say you think she is _perfect_?"

"…Yeah…"

"Preposterous! She represents so many flaws! Her eyes are slanted, she looks melancholy, she can't adjust in social situations, she's not strong, she's such…a disappoint! She is perfect? Absolutely not!"

"I'm writing that and you can't do shit about it!"

"Such impertinence…!"

_Everything._

"Insincere scrounger!" Mayuri screeched.

_Are you satisfied with Nemu's performances so far?_

Well this question was degrading to Nemu. As it either suggests provocative things or that she is like a machine designed to please him.

"It's only a yes, no, or so-so question, or are you trying to conjure up more slang, disgusting grammar, or profanities to decorate the words?" Mayuri pried a sneer on his features as he seemingly mocked.

"Tch…" Ikkaku snorted sending an obviously irritated look as he scribbled down, _Oh Fuck yes._

Mayuri sighed as he collected the sheet of paper and looked over the answers without particular care. "Ugh, you are just as coarse as your vile excuse for a captain and equally as uninteresting too."

"Oi, you seem to insult my captain a lot. You like him or somethin'?"

"Such a ludicrous suggestion…" Mayuri's brow furrowed again as he glided across the room to file away the sheet neatly in place. Though Ikkaku could have sworn he saw a slight tint on his cheeks and his body twitch.

"Whatever…." Ikkaku rolled his eyes a sneaky smile placed on his lips in amusement.

Ignoring the comment Mayuri pulled out a sitting map and sat himself down opposite of Ikkaku.

"Nemu!"

"Yes Mayuri Sama."

"Go make yourself useful and fetch some tea you worthless girl!"

"Yes Mayuri-Sama." Nemu obeyed getting up slowly, using long legs to glide out of the room in graceful fashion. Though Nemu had gotten better at voicing her opinion, speaking up for herself, and adjusting in social situations, around Mayuri she seemed to be the same overlooked, much too submissive, quiet vice-captain of the twelfth division.

Mayuri's head turned to face him as he sensed Nemu was far enough to not overhear on their conversation. His penetrating yellow eyes pried into him and an almost snarl took place on his features.

"Listen you; I'm only going to say this once so pay attention!" Mayuri spat head cocking, mouth tight in a line as his mechanic voice sounded.

"Uh-huh." Ikkaku half-mindedly said.

"Though I cannot stress how much of a letdown that foolish girl was, she is nonetheless my creation. And I do not enjoy watching my creations becoming waste and becoming other's playthings, submitting to others. It would inconvenience me even further. She's already hapless as now. Meeting you will make her even more so. And if you are the cause she becomes incapable of her duties there will be calamitous penalties for you to pay, Madarame. Do you understand what I am saying? Also if I see one little bald baby running around in my glorious halls I can promise you and your reproductive organs will part for life. Not to mention, keep your meetings far away from the eleventh division, if profanities spurts from her mouth and her body smells that of liquor I will censure you. I refuse to have a vice-captain that of someone from the eleventh division! How vile to even think of it! If you take lead in any activities involving creation of a new soul with Nemu, if succeeded it will be terminated along side you. Understood, Madarame?!"

"Huh?" Ikkaku asked scratching his head while his other hand drummed along the table. "Basically you'll kill me if I fuck things up."

"I will not comment on your atrocious language but killing is the least of your worries. If you do as you so barbarically said 'fuck things up' I will use you as experimentation then I will dissect you alive to death, starting with your sexual functions."

Ikkaku inched away putting two hands above his crotch section. "Ummm…."

"That's a promise Madarame." The malicious glint in Mayuri's yellow, wide eyes sparkled and Ikkaku felt as if the walls were going to swallow him whole. Ikkaku had a sentiment that Mayuri's constant intent to kill just rose to an all time high.

"And I never go back on my word." As the twelfth division captain's face distorted into a smile, showing off his straight pearly teeth Ikkaku feared for his life and genitals.

"I-I'll take good care of her…" Ikkaku stumbled over his words, fidgeting a little.

"I'll dissect you if you don't."

And Ikkaku did not doubt him for a second.


End file.
